05/07/19 - Summer Showcase and Victorian Party

Today and the last few days I have been feeling incredibly anxious and upset about my daughter's summer showcase at school. She has been asked to do a solo and will be singing 'Wings' by Birdy which is the song she sang when she entered the Isle of Wight Music, Dance and Drama Festival earlier this year. The trouble is I have nobody to go with as my husband (R) is a teacher and, therefore working, and all the Grandparents live on the mainland. I feel dreadful for E (daughter) that she won't have anybody there supporting her but I mainly feel angry and annoyed with myself for feeling like this. Why can't I do it? I wish I could just do it. I bet E and R and my mum all wish I could too. Today I have come to realise something though...that if I could make all the anxiety and emotions go away and just be 'normal' then I wouldn't be me anymore. If they love me (which they say they do!) then surely they must love all of me? If I was less emotional I wouldn't be me anymore. So I guess they have accepted those parts of me that are frustrating, upsetting and difficult to understand. The trouble is, I have to learn to accept it too and that is no easy task!

R did contact the school and ask whether they could film E's performance as nobody was going to be able to attend. They said photos would be taken. Obviously this is not the same. A photo tells you nothing when the focus is on sound and music. Nevertheless, E assures me she does not mind having no family in the audience and I guess I have to trust her on that one. My nerves will be shot to pieces all day though worrying about her and I shall forever feel bad that I chose not to go and watch her sing. I will also worry non-stop afterwards that she wasn't fully able to enjoy the Victorian Party because she had nobody with her to visit the different stalls and enjoy the experience with. It seems worrying is just what I do!

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