(21/05/19) - Strictly Professionals Tour

Tonight I am taking my daughter (E) to see the Strictly Come Dancing Professionals tour at Portsmouth Guildhall. This is a huge challenge for me because we only have 2 tickets. Usually my husband (R) attends things with us as I find shows/concerts/events/day trips incredibly stressful since the terror attacks in Paris in 2015 and in London and Manchester in 2017. It isn't something I talk about much as I know how ridiculous people think it is that I would allow it to affect my life (I missed an art trip to Tate Britain back in March 2017 because London was on a Threat level of Critical following the Westminster attack which meant a further attack was expected imminently. I knew that the huge armed Police presence would in itself have been enough to scare me into a state of panic. So I didn't go and luckily my art group were sympathetic to my reasons; nobody made me feel stupid for having those fears.) The fact is, I don't allow it to affect my life...it just does!

With regards to this night out with E, I have been stressing about it for at least 3 days. I am dreading it and have not been able to stop thinking about it. For example, my mind has been going over and over the question of how I will protect E from harm if I had to, how we would escape if we could and where we would hide if we couldn't get away. This is exhausting, draining and distressing. It is all-consuming. There is no chance whatsoever that I might consider the potential enjoyment we may have or frivolities such as what to wear or how to have my hair. I wish my mind didn't think these thoughts but it does and as a natural worrier and a sufferer of anxiety, I feel there is unfortunately no escape from this for me. I simply have to learn to cope and manage my anxiety. It is very hard indeed. This past week the London Bridge/Borough Market attack has been in the news again which has led to me reading more about it which only exacerbates the problem! I tried asking the Guildhall about their security procedures and was signposted to the website which said very little other than that safety of patrons is a priority and to only bring small bags! This will do very little to stop anyone armed with knives, guns or bombs with the intent to inflict harm. So what can I do?

As a parent with a (for the most part) sensible head on my shoulders, I know I have to be brave, take my daughter and enjoy the show (which she will love!) but these intrusive thoughts are going nowhere! I know my own enjoyment will be heavily impacted by those thoughts; I will be on high alert, hyper vigilant throughout, unable to concentrate, scanning the exits rather than the stage, searching the room and my mind for an escape plan. I am FULL of dread. I feel sick! I so wish we had an extra ticket. If R was coming too the anxiety would be less because the weight of responsibility for keeping E safe would be shared and I would also feel that there was someone looking out for me too! I just want to feel safe, because with that comes a sense of calm and the ability to relax and enjoy things...