Still feeling like a failure! - 28/02/20

It is coming up to a year since I first had the idea to start this art/mental health blog and art project. It is very hard not to feel like this has been an epic fail, plain and simple. I do, however, feel it is worth pointing out that I had every faith in the idea and my ability to achieve it; I actually threw myself into it wholeheartedly at first. But I don't think anybody could have predicted how spectacularly my world would come crashing down around me a year ago. Had I known, I probably would have avoided starting the project altogether. I hate half-finishing things; it leaves me with a horrible, nagging feeling and adds to a core belief that I've been trying to shake: that I am a complete failure in every single thing I ever do!

As I mentioned previously, my psychotherapist spotted this in me during my year of NHS counselling and acknowledged that, despite my enormously complex 'lifeline' taking weeks and weeks of sessions to complete, it did, nevertheless, need to be completed. To ensure this was possible we returned to it towards the end of my 40 sessions, after having had to abandon it earlier on in the process for fear that we'd never get on to the 'real work'. It mattered to her that I was able to walk away with something completed...my story of my life!

This blog would be easy to give up on and walk away from now, particularly as there are people in my life who are very literal and rigid in their outlook. I, however, am more creative in my approach to everything and I am confident enough to put myself out there and explain that, admittedly, things haven't gone to plan (with the blog as with my marriage) but I refuse to give up on it because that would equal giving up on myself, something I am not prepared to do. I will continue to strive to achieve this venture, and fulfil the intention of creating 40 pieces of artwork and exhibit them at the end for all to see. It may not have been done in my 40th year but at least it will have been done. Then I can move forward into the rest of my 40's feeling proud that I overcame the most difficult year of my life and still managed to achieve something positive.

It is for this reason that March 2020 is to see the start of the next part of my art/blogging venture. Wish me luck!