The Forty@40 Project- Update - 25/01/20

As I touched on in my previous post, I didn't have much chance to actively blog or create art for a large chunk of my 40th year. The primary reason for this is the breakdown of my marriage. This was definitely not the best environment to be creative in. I know I've championed Art as a means for successfully dealing with heavy emotions but during a separation there are many practical considerations to take into account, particularly in our case. I feel it is important to share in more detail the mental health and practical problems that have delayed the progression of The Forty@40 Project.

My husband and I both have hoarding tendencies; I believe he is a Hoarder and have tried to help him to recognise this. I am always determined to face any challenges in my life head on and in this instance have even enlisted the help of a professional declutterer. Sadly, despite this intervention, as a couple we made very little progress at home, certainly not enough to make a significant difference to our day-to-day life. This obviously impacted on our marriage but also on my project in a number of ways.

Firstly, back in February 2019 when I was dreaming up this project, I had planned for our Conservatory to be my Art Space. I cleaned and cleared it on two separate occasions for this purpose, only for it to quickly become consumed again by 'stuff', including furniture, DIY equipment, garden tools and more. This made it both unpleasant and unfit for purpose. The exterior was also an issue with moss and mildew spreading across the roof making it a dark, gloomy, rather grotty place to be as opposed to the warm, bright space I had hoped for. I think the reluctance to clean it stemmed from a combination of a lack of motivation, skills and suitable equipment alongside much shame surrounding the property, our hoarding behaviour and the anxiety that comes from inviting professional tradesmen into our home.

The second problem was the converted garage. Despite clearing and sorting this space with our professional declutterer, it soon became clogged up again to it's full capacity, meaning I was not able to access my many and varied art supplies (I have a huge cupboard and large boxes!) Not only is the garage now full but the door to the garage is blocked up by bags and boxes of 'stuff' that is not mine to sort or dispose of.

A third issue was that when I moved into the caravan I had no internet access so even if I was able to create art, I wouldn't have been able to blog about it. Thankfully I have had Wifi for several months now so this was a relatively short lived problem but an inconvenience nonetheless.

The final issue I faced was when a week after moving out of the family home my mobile phone died suddenly for no obvious or apparent reason. It had never been dropped, it didn't get wet, it just decided one night that after going to sleep, it wouldn't wake up. I guess we've all had moments of feeling like that?! The problem here was on a practical level, I lost a large number of photos and articles that I had saved on my phone as inspiration for my art. Also there were some contacts who I now have no way of ever getting hold of again which is frustrating. By far the most difficult thing for me was the emotional distress of having something taken from me, completely out of my control, and that, by all accounts, I can never get back. Samsung have told me they can fix the phone but only by clearing it completely which is the exact opposite of what I want!! I need my photos back; so many memories from holidays and day trips with the children but for the project...so much that I had intended to make good use of and now I have to just accept that those inspirations are gone forever. BPD makes these kinds of situations impossible for me to deal with, let alone ever recover from. I still get angry and upset about this frequently and it happened almost 4 months ago! My emotions are debilitating at times but my only way of coping is to distract myself and not think about it. This is virtually impossible because it is something that mattered so much to me and is genuinely upsetting.

In terms of The Forty@40 Project, I am asking to be forgiven for my failings as a first time blogger/artist. I am saddened and embarrassed by the fact that my body of work should be almost completed by now and it's barely even started. However, I am focused and dedicated and I intend to finish it regardless of the fact that the project will have overrun into my 41st year. Who really cares?! I need to finish it for my own sake; my psychotherapist in 2016-2017 commented on how prone I am to not finishing things and she recognised the importance of completion for my self-esteem and sense of pride in myself. So here goes...