A terrible day! - 07/11/19

It's early afternoon and I have already had a terrible day. I've basically had a series of problems, one after the other with little time in between. My BPD emotions have not been coping and therefore I've spent a good hour in and out of tears. I may well have an attempt at my art later on but for now I felt that writing would be a better distraction and my blog, a useful outlet. The problems range from being 'blanked' by somebody who had been a support to me for some time last year to bank problems regarding old/new accounts and pin numbers to mis-communication regarding an important meeting and typing errors affecting an email address/reference needed by the care home...they were unable to proceed with my professional reference so this was for a second personal one. It is just all so much to deal with; a combination of mistakes by and flaws in other people and a large amount of self-loathing regarding my own stupid mistakes! I'm thinking that going back to bed and just praying for tomorrow to come is my best option right now. I did, however, take a moment to appreciate the rainbow that appeared this afternoon in the midst of my despair...I've always loved a rainbow and seen them as a symbol of hope for better things to come. It couldn't be more apt for my feelings about today.

I went for a walk before teatime, just down to the beach from the caravan. It was chilly but I wrapped up and really needed to feel the cold air on my face and tried to just embrace and make the most of my natural surroundings. Staring out at he water and the mainland in the distance; it wasn't the most comfortable of feelings being as my mood was so low, but I took some photos on my phone as the light was fading and the clouds were moving. Being creative and noticing the birds and the nature around me helped to heal my wounds from today. I'm glad I went for the walk and I'm glad that I shared how I've been feeling today with my friend T as well (if only by text!). It is a step towards being less rigid about coping on my own and inviting others in. It may be a small step but it is still progress and I really need to recognise that in myself, particularly at times like these.