27/06/19 - A Midsummer Nightmare

What a day I have had today. My emotions have been all over the place. Stress levels were high but my mood was stable-ish all morning but as 4pm approached I became more and more angry about anything and everything.

Today is my daughter's school performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream, and although I am thrilled that E has been given a bigger part, I am not at all happy about attending. I always find school/parent engagements tricky and this is made even more difficult today as there is the added anxiety of worrying whether E will remember all her lines and will it go well for her. Added to that is the fact that today is an incredibly hot day (anxiety and high temperatures do not mix well in my experience!) and we have also invited E's grandparents to come and watch the show too.

I did manage to get to the pool for a morning Water Workout which made for a relatively low anxiety morning but following that my attempts to tidy the house in preparation for visitors were futile which resulted in me feeling angry, stressed and anxious. It occurred to me that, despite having a professional de-clutterer working with us, our progress has been slow. I am particularly frustrated at the lack of progress in our living space and therefore decided today that we need to focus on that (in an attempt to prevent myself from feeling so upset every time we are expecting visitors) rather than the storage space. I hope to one day soon be in a position that I can very quickly tidy things away, leaving me feeling calmer and more relaxed about welcoming visitors. Sadly, this wasn't the case today and the only way I could manage the stress of the day was to make alternative plans which meant nobody came to the house! This is not an unusual occurrence for me; I almost always look for ways to prevent people visiting. It is to do with my personality disorder (BPD) and the fact that I am so private and so paranoid about being judged. Our home environment doesn't make this any easier and currently I feel like the whole thing is just getting worse...arghhh!

Despite all my worry, the show was brilliant and it was evident how hard all the cast had worked, particularly with this being Shakespeare. I was so proud of E and she was overjoyed to have been a part of it. Her teachers were all saying how fantastic she was playing Queen Titania and that was lovely to hear. I've had a really tough day today but my anxiety and stress levels instantly lowered once we were back in the car and on our way home! Alone (with no visitors!)