(24/05/19) - A BPD moment

I went to do my NHS volunteering today. There was a little incident that has upset me more than it would for most 'normal' people. So, my whole mood and emotion has shifted and is now stuck. I can't cheer up or get out of it. I have a BPD diagnosis and am also a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and have an INFJ personality on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. All this together basically means I am a very private person, an Introvert and critically sensitive to the moods and emotions of others, as well as having trouble regulating my own emotions which generally tend to be heightened and extreme! It is not easy being me that's for sure!! I have an awful lot of stuff going on in my head during every waking moment so I frequently suffer with terrible headaches and am almost permanently exhausted. Anyway, as a consequence of all these personality issues, I am hugely affected by things that other people simply can't/don't understand. On top of that, my Introversion and Social Anxiety means that I feel uncomfortable sharing any of the detail of things that happen to me because of fear and embarrassment. I only ever tell my husband, and maybe sometimes my children. I've read in a book about BPD that when dealing with feelings of shame, that talking about it is the only way to make the shame go away or reduce. However, in my experience with shame, embarrassment, or any other feeling for that matter, talking does help a little, but the emotions can still take days to settle back down to baseline which means life remains genuinely hard going for me for quite some time after.

This has all made me realise that my brilliant idea and good intention of writing a blog about my mental health ups and downs is massively flawed - I am too embarrassed to tell the tales! So in this instance I shall wait for time to ease this pain and once I am 'over' the worst of the emotion (back to baseline) I will attempt to explain with more detail. For now though, I will self-soothe by texting a friend (NOT about said incident!) drink lots of tea, and eat sweets and chocolate. I may even suggest a Chinese takeaway later tonight! Anything is worth it if it makes me feel a bit better.

"Soul Searching" (2017)