11/05/20 - A down day...

I had a particularly low day today unfortunately. Considering lockdown has gone on for so much longer than we were initially told I suppose it is to be expected that I would have days like this where I just need to be on my own with my emotions. Normally on days like these I would text a few people and possibly mention that I was feeling low but apart from that I would deal with it alone and it would affect nobody other than me. In this situation though there are three other people to consider and for them it is extremely hard to have to be around me when I am like this.

BPD means that on my down days, instead of wanting to talk about and address my feelings, what I actually choose to do is to contain it all and, when alone, that is actually pretty easy to do. I just feel it all and get through it somehow. But when around other people with constant interruptions to my train of thought, or being disturbed by interactions, requests for help or conversations, it just makes coping so much harder. I become more agitated, more annoyed and less able to manage my emotions that are bubbling away under the surface. So it makes for a pretty difficult environment for anybody to be immersed in.

I started the day off slowly, drinking tea in bed and catching up on the reaction around the country to Boris' new slogan and advice. Apparently the roads and tubes in London were packed this morning following the suggestion last night that workers unable to work from home should return to work. It later surfaced that he should in fact have advised for that to happen on Wednesday 13th, not today! People are also confused as to how it is okay to mix at a two metre distance with work colleagues but not family members who live separately such as parents/adult children. There is so much confusion and anxiety. I believe the Stay Home message should be kept in place for another three weeks. My fear is that this easing and ambiguity is only going to cause an increase in cases and deaths. Consequently, a strict lockdown will once again have to be enforced. Oh dear, what a complete disaster this Roadmap out of lockdown is turning out to be.

Having stressed myself out further by watching Piers Morgan ranting on GMB about how the Government have refused to be interviewed I decided to attempt some yoga to improve my mood. This has always been a brilliant way to switch my mood from low to a little lifted or even better than that some days! Today, however, I found myself tearful again even whilst doing the yoga! I had chosen really gentle videos, nothing too challenging '5 minute morning yoga', 'Movement Medicine: Calming Practice' and even a 'Self Love Meditation' but despite all of that, I just didn't feel revived or mentally healed. In all honesty, I suppose I felt awakened physically but emotionally I was still suffering. The meditation and lots of tea helped me to move forwards through the day and I did manage to make a start on #18. I have chosen to work on a Yellow piece which I had started way back in June last year when I was using up leftover paint from #8. This provided the background for me to work on today. I am going to collage over it and my first task today was to cut bits and pieces of yellow from my various collections of papers, magazines and marketing material. In some ways this is my favourite part, particularly on down days like this; it takes me back to the innocence of childhood cutting and sticking activities.

As well as the heavy emotions I was dealing with today, I also had a nagging headache that worsened into the afternoon. I took some ibuprofen-lysine for migraine in the end and that did help somewhat. Genuinely, from around lunchtime today I was just longing for bedtime to come so I could sleep everything off and wake up with a fresh new day.

I did enjoy watching 'Normal People' tonight which has really struck a chord with me. I haven't read the book yet but I am keen to now. Apparently there is quite a cult following in the UK and Ireland. It won book of the year at the 2018 British Book Awards and The Guardian described Sally Rooney's novel as a future classic. We are now halfway through the BBC Three drama and I am hooked. It is both beautiful and sad at the same time but that really appeals to me. I have resisted the urge to binge-watch all episodes and am instead looking forward each week to the next installments (two episodes are shown together on Monday nights). Having watched tonight, I think I am going to bed happier than I had imagined I would be when I was crying through my yoga this morning! Perhaps this is the joy of TV drama; it's an opportunity to lose yourself in someone else's sadness and (temporarily) forget about your own.